Word! The Language Column  Desperate for something to talk about

Sharing silence is supposed to be a particularly strong bond. But perhaps many couples have simply run out of things to talk about. Luckily, Christiane Rösinger has some advice – and presents it in rhyme.

If you believe the proverb, the German pop song and popular opinion on the subject of “love and talking”, silence has a better reputation than talking. The singer Daliah Lavi was not alone in praising the silence of relationships, saying: “My way of showing love is simply silence. Words destroy where they don’t belong”. The value of shared silence is also emphasised in the proverb “Speech is silver, silence is golden”. It is generally said that love is greatest where people can “be silent together”.

The silence of couples

However, if you watch couples in a restaurant sitting across from each other in silence, stroking their cutlery and smoothing out the folds of the tablecloth, you get the impression that this silence is not as pleasant as it is generally claimed to be. A conversation between two people would be nicer – but a conversation about what?

For many people, talking to each other on holiday is a chore. After all, you’re together all day – what are you supposed to talk about? “Relationships live through conversation” is the credo of many couples therapists, and this does not mean the generally dreaded relationship talk, but simply talking to each other about “everything under the sun”. Even the famous couples therapist Friedrich Nietzsche spoke of marriage as one long conversation: “When you enter into marriage, you should ask yourself the question: do you think you will be able to have a good conversation with this woman until you are very old? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time of intercourse belongs to conversation”.

How do you get from small talk to deep talk?

If you google the words “relationship and conversation”, you will find desperate cries for help on various forums from people who have run out of things to talk about in relationships. The uncertainty is great. Is it the end when you run out of things to say to each other? Or is it normal? But even at the beginning of a relationship, when you go out on a date, the fear of faltering conversations and awkward silences is great.

That’s why there’s an increasing amount of advice and help out there on how to avoid getting stuck in conversation on a date. When dating, it is important to move from small talk to deep conversation. For those seeking advice, topics such as family/holidays/travel/hobbies are suggested. A list of silly questions should also help to get the dating conversation going: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? Tattoo or piercing? Mountains or beach?

Conversation guide – rhymed

In my experience, however, this doesn’t help anyone who is feeling insecure. That’s why I’d like to help with a short, tried and tested conversation guide, from small talk to deep conversation. Because I am a songwriter, my help comes in rhyme:

What do you like to eat and where are you from?
How many siblings, is there more to come?
Your last girlfriend – Really? Same here, you know,
Doesn’t bother me at all. I’m even glad, though.
Childhood and youth, first irritations,
Illnesses, allergies, operations.
Studies and work, cars that you had,
The first time – the first record, not bad.

Abortions, children, stays abroad,
How should we shape the future, oh Lord?
Fateful encounters, youth competitions,
Childhood traumas, many conditions.

Are you more of a loner or liked by all?
When did I first catch your eye, recall?
Missed opportunities, hidden talents,
Big moments, very, very important events.

My conclusion on the theme:
So many questions we must ask,
For only through questions do we unmask.
When all is asked, all is said, all is done,
We end it here, and next time,
It starts again, everyone. 

March 2025